Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 4 - Dogging, camp camps and boy b-Andy.

It's the age old Made In Chelsea dilemma -- WHO is sleeping with Spencer Matthews? I don't mean that in a gossip column sort of way either, I genuinely mean: who would ever sleep with Spencer Matthews? 

Yet somehow the queasy-quiffed one has managed not only to secure several girlfriends but also to cheat on each of them multiple times with, presumably, different women.

Yes, he has money but so do all his ladyfriends. 

There was only one solution:

Spencer Matthews must have a very large account with the penis bank too. 

As of this week though, it turns out that that's not true either.

I had to make laughing-Jamie-face so small that he is barely recognisable.

Yep, a lovely classy lady posted this picture on Twitter saying:

Sleeping with Spencer Matthews is not something I would want to 'prove'. More something I would want to 'chop my own head off just so I don't have to remember'. 

Since this photo proves that Spencer has not very much penis for someone who is such a dick, I am left none the wiser as to why he is having so much luck with the ladies. 

Except maybe the fact that he's targeting the sort of women who say 'hun'. I guess they don't know any better. 

Even if you're abbreviating the word 'honey' it should still be 'hon'. 
Unless all your friends really are the nomadic people lead by Attila.

Anyway, on with the show!

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Fran proved that her crumbling relationship with Alex didn't matter as she really ought to be with Bob anyway. 

Appropriate Halloween Fran-bobbing.

- Phoebe was possessed by a demon.

Demons also need to stay out of sunlight, which is the only reasonable explanation for that ridiculously large hat.

- This act threatened devastating consequences for the human gene pool: 

Simultaneously giving all Neo-Nazi MIC fans an Aryan-gasm.

- As did this one:

In fact any chance Jamie Laing gets to mate can only be bad news for humanity.

- And Phoebe made fun of someone else's Bollywood outfit. 

I don't even know how you can fit all those stones in your glass house, Phoebe.

This week's QOTD comes from Mark Francis who, as many of you will know, is only not my least favourite Made In Chelsea character because Spencer exists. 

Shut up Mark. As if you have any emotions besides avarice.

Here's Mark attempting to be charmingly rich, but once again just coming off like a plank.

Oh fuck off. 

Millie Mackintosh is back!

No, hang on, this face has too much expression to be Millie.

Elsewhere, Lucy, Jamie and a dog go for a walk. 

Lucy has yet to take off her Gogo Yubari Halloween costume so this must be a walk of shame.

Lucy asks what happened to Jamie's face, which is a bit rude since I figured he was just born like that.

Apparently she is talking about some injury I can't make out, as Jamie responds that he fell over and that it hurts so much.

Clearly someone actually punched him.

The dog's name is Digby in case anyone was interested, although I wouldn't recommend getting too attached after what happened to Herby

Yes, I would try to escape too if I were you, Digby. You don't stand a chance.

Lo and behold, we immediately find out that there is already something dodgy going on: Digby's real name is Kevin. 

"WHO AM I!?"

If that's not enough dogs for you, we head to Battersea Park. 

Where Rosie and Cheska are hanging out. 

It seems it is Binky's dog's birthday so she's holding a party for all the dumb mutts in Chelsea.

Hence: Alex.

They talk a bit about last week's Fran-miliation and how Alex is a bastard. Alex is so remorseful that he's going on a camping trip!

#Fencewatch! An early appearance from Fence almost distracts me from the fact that this is the most obnoxiously posh street name I've ever seen.

There's even a pad on which to land your tiny sideways helicopter.

Here is a shoe incubator. 

For hatching that special kind of shoe that costs more than my house.

We go from shoe incubator to posh people incubator. 

It's the only way these cold-blooded reptiles can survive.

Stevie is getting ready for a date with Trixifluff or whatever her name is, and Andy is there to give him a pre-date pep talk. 

Andy tells Stevie he'll probably only end up in the 'friend zone' again anyway.

Andy is not very good at pep talks.

Stevie gets his revenge by bringing up Louise.


Uh oh, bugger off Andy, Tifflepuff has arrived!

Good to see she's still raucously laughing at absolutely nothing whatsoever.

"...I DON'T GET IT!"

Over in Mayfair, Phoebe and Louise are having high tea.

As usual Phoebe is taking the 'high' part too literally.

They talk about Lucy but Phoebe gets distracted by a very exciting occurrence: the arrival of Rosie, one of the only Made In Chelsea residents Phoebe can't call a slut.


Rosie has come to tell everyone that she (the producers) think it would be good for the girls to all go to a spa while the boys go away camping.

"It's us three, Binky, Lucy, Cheska and Fran." says Rosie.

"God these plot devices are so obvious."

Back on their date, Fiffle is still finding pizza dough HILARIOUS.

While Stevie just can't believe his luck that a girl is actually smiling whilst on a date with him.

In fact Stevie is having so much fun that he hits himself in the face with some flour.


Ever wanted to see the top of a fence post up close?

Well, want no longer.

Spencer and Bob head to a bar. 

Where, understandably, someone pisses in Spencer's glass.

Spencer can't come camping because he's taking Stephanie Pratt to the South of France. This means Stephanie has not yet dumped him, making her surname more relevant than ever.

Spencer is also not happy about Jamie seeing Lucy. "I'll find it hard to trust him now." says Spencer of Jamie. "His morals are completely skewed."

Too. Much. Irony.
Quiff. Exploding.

Back at the dog party, Jamie's training is going well. 

Now if only they could get him to stop shitting where he eats.

Then there's an ad break and, when we come back, all the girls are miraculously at the spa. 

Either that or they've all just been sectioned at the world's poshest insane asylum.

While the girls recline and innocently rub stuff on themselves, the boys are trekking through the woods on their camping trip.

Francis seems to have descended into 'Lord of the Flies' mode a little quicker than the others.

More spa stuff:

Binky and Lucy have bedsheets totally innocently seductively ripped off them.

And Fran has a pair of entirely hairless legs pointlessly waxed because she's a masochist.

Since they are at a psychiatric hospital, Dr. Rosie and Dr. Phoebe quiz mental patient Louise about her break up with Andy. 

"I guess you thought it was more 'time apart' than 'being apart'." says Dr. Rosie wisely and/or nonsensically.

I suspect Dr. Rosie might actually be another patient masquerading as a doctor.

The girls persuade Louise to try and get back together with Andy, while said Andy and his friends struggle to put up their tents. 

"ANDY! HELP! Stevie dunno if this is North Pole or South Pole."

Jamie, Bob and Andy take a break from tenting to talk about Spencer. 

Jamie says he knows Spencer is annoyed at him and assures the boys he was totally going to stop sleeping with Lucy except that he slept with her again.

"How do these idiots get all this sex and all I get is TEARS!?" - Andy

There's awkward scenes at the spa as Lucy tries to keep up a conversation with Binky about Phoebe while this faceless person's hands inch ever closer to her Roboboobs.

Any minute now that masseuse is going to realise there's nothing but metal under that skin.

Meanwhile, putting the 'camp' in 'camping trip', it's Andy and his guitar. 

You know life's taken a turn for the worst when you're the campest thing on an MIC boys' camping trip.

Apparently Andy will be treating his friends to a gig this week.

Oh good. Those are never terrible. 

The boys name Stevie the 'Piggy' of the group and it's down to Andy to take him off to slaughter.

"Stevie gonna play with spear?"

Andy can't bring himself to do it though, so he just asks Stevie how his date went instead. 

He is shocked that Stevie didn't 'get any action'.

"Mate, it was the perfect set up!" he says.

"What, in a restaurant!?" says Stevie.

"Yeah!" says Andy.

When all you can be grateful for on a date is that your girlfriend isn't crying, you start to think of 'sharing a meal' as 'action'.

Andy reckons Stevie should bring Fluff to his gig but he doesn't want anyone to invite Louise.

Before they can discuss it further... AAAARGGHH! There's a madman in the woods!

Don't worry, it's just Francis playing a prank. 

This would have been one of the longest awkward silences in MIC history had Andy killed him with a spear though.

Back at the asylum, Binky and Fran take to the therapist's sofa to hash out their Alex problems.

Sadly the therapist is Phoebe wearing a jumper covered in eyes, so nobody's leaving here sane.

Fran talks about her feelings and starts crying. 

Worst. Therapist. Ever.

The row escalates further and then Lucy turns up!

"I heard fighting, anyone need terminating?"

Binky tries to get all the girls to resolve their differences but Phoebe's a bitch so that doesn't work.

"Jamie says 'hi', he just text me." she snipes at Lucy as she walks out of the room.

Then everyone sits in silence and sad music plays. 

And we contemplate this sunset lamp and its place in all our lives.

Phoebe storms off outside to find Louise, who is hanging out by a fence with a lamp on it.

Maybe she was homesick. 

Phoebe repeats what just happened five seconds ago then decides she wants to go and find the boys in the woods. Louise isn't sure because Andy is there but Phoebe persuades her by staring at her creepily until she agrees. 

Louise, played in this scene by an eight year old.

Later that night, the boys sit by the fire as Francis tells them a horror story.

"And after making that foolish decision... the stockbroker... LOST ALL HIS MONEY!"


Just kidding, it's not Francis' story that scares the boys so much, it's these two!

Who have escaped from the local insane asylum.

It is suggested at this point that the boys were camped out in some woods near the spa and that's why the girls were able to sneak out and find them.

In actual fact the girls would have had an hour-long drive down the A24. 
They must have been preeeetty desperate to go camping.

I, on the other hand, am pretty desperate to see some Fence after all this countryside shit.


Forever alone, Mark Francis sits in his counting house counting all his Cartier grape scissors.

Whatever the fuck they are.

Once he's dismissed Jeeves to the vault with the silverware, Mark takes a break to chat to Victoria.

Who I didn't notice before because she was sat sideways.

The pair discuss the fact that Mark is moving house and has put his furniture into climate-controlled storage. 

When Victoria questions the necessity of the climate control, Mark simply replies "Imagine my shivering commodes". 

Since a 'commode' could either mean a chest of drawers or a chair with a built-in toilet, I can't work out whether Mark is worried about ruining his furniture or shitting himself.

Talking of shit, Andy is having the worst time in the woods since Louise showed up.

"In the nicest possible way, I don't want you here." he tells her.

"Do you think I wanted to be here?" says Louise.

Well... yes, actually. I presume that's why you drove an hour to be here.

Andy concludes his argument by telling Louise he fancies her. 

I don't really understand Andy's arguing style.

In the end, he decides to take himself off to bed in case he accidentally has sex with her there and then.

Oh God, back to Mark and Victoria. Isn't one scene per episode enough of these two? 

Once again we find them talking about how sorry they feel for their fellow cast members, this time because they've had to go on a camping trip.

"They're probably having to rough it in a sleeping bag." says Victoria.

"That is one thing I could never contemplate." says Mark. "I once knew someone who had a sleeping bag and, the moment I found out, that friendship was over." 

I wonder if they know why they never get invited anywhere.

Back in the woods, a very drunk Jamie drags Phoebe off for a chat.

Bob predicts Jamie will regret everything he's currently saying in the morning.

Jamie really ought to regret most things he says at any time.

He and Phoebe then go on to have the sort of conversation toddlers would have if they were allowed to drink.

Jamie: "Do you like me?"

Phoebe: "Yeah"

Jamie: "Yeah but do you like me though?"

Phoebe: "Yeah."

Jamie: "I like you."

Phoebe: "I don't like Lucy."

Jamie: "Yeah but do you like me though?"

The whole thing only gets better when Jamie tries to kiss Phoebe as she's halfway through a sentence.

Not going to lie, at first I half hoped he was about to throw up on her.

In the end, he swears on his life that Phoebe is the only girl for him so I'll be interested to see how he will be dying later on.

Then it's the morning after the camp before and Alex and Phoebe have trekked through a whole wood to find another fence to have a conversation next to.

There must and shall be fences!

Alex has decided to warn Phoebe off Jamie.

I'm sure she will take lots of notice of him.

Back at the spa, the ladies have awoken to find Phoebe and Louise missing.

Everyone is very worried.

Apparently Lucy also had a soppy voicemail from a drunk Jamie last night. Just as she is telling everyone how lovely it was to wake up to his voice, Binky receives a phone call from Alex.

He tells her Phoebe and Louise are with them on the camping trip and that they were invited there by Jamie.

I'm waiting for Lucy to go full MurderBot on Jamie but, disappointingly, she just starts crying.

Looks like someone reprogrammed her settings to laaaaaaame.

Only artfully blurred shadow Fence can know Lucy's pain.

"Curse you Jaamiieeee!"

Sadly, Fence's woe is rudely interrupted by Spencer and Bob who are on their way to Andy's gig.

But not before stopping to hang out on a suspiciously well-lit street corner, as you do!

Bob asks Spencer about the Pratt he's living with. 

Spencer admits to feeling claustrophobic but admits that living with a woman has some benefits.

"She's at home cleaning the flat right now." he says, for example. 

For backward, misogynistic example.

They also talk about Jamie, and Spencer decides he needs to go and talk to him at the gig.

Then we head to the gig ourselves and I'm already cringing as Andy tunes up in a corner by himself. 

And that's not even taking into account the backwards cap.

In another corner Cheska, Lucy and Rosie are talking about how much no one wants Louise to be there, which is Louise's cue to turn up. 

"Just wanted to clear the air about the spa thing." she drones. "That was quite bad form, just dusting and leaving you there."

Louise, the only time you should ever say 'dusting' is in the sentence 'I was dusting and then I realised my duster would make a great addition to this coat."

Elsewhere, Binky and Alex confront Jamie about his camping mishaps. Binky tells Jamie he needs to make a decision between Lucy and Phoebe.

"I have made a decision!" says Jamie. Apparently he has decided to go with Phoebe.

"Phoebe?? You do know Lucy's a robot right? She will kill you."

Jamie tries to make out like his choosing Phoebe is a grand romantic gesture but it eventually comes out that he only didn't choose Lucy because he's scared of Spencer.

"Don't let Phoebe find that out." says Alex, as though their every word isn't being filmed and broadcast on national TV.

Meanwhile, Cheska is telling Andy that some 'industry people' have turned up. 

"Oh boy! Do you think they'll let me be in that new band *NSync now??"

After their chat with Jamie, Binky and Alex go and tell Lucy what he said. Then Fran comes over and they tell her too. I'll assume you can remember what happened two minutes ago so I'll spare you the repetition.

Fran, thankfully, has something new to add to the conversation. Phoebe is currently on holiday with a different guy who she apparently likes.

I said it was new, I didn't say it was interesting.

Oh dear, it's time for Andy to try and do a gig.

Oh please stop it.

Stevie spies love-interest Tifflypops through the crowd then decides to appear in front of her like a terrifying dismembered head. 

Spot the Stevie... (he's the one with his tongue out).


He's not the only one not paying any attention to Andy either, as Lucy takes Jamie aside for a chat.

"Something's wrong! What's wrong?" asks Jamie.

I'm not sure exactly Jamie, but it appears to be something to do with your brain.

To my delight, LucyBot is back with a vengeance. Instead of crying, she tells Jamie that Phoebe is currently on holiday with her boyfriend. 

This face can only be accompanied by the noise of Scooby Doo going 'Huh?'

Suddenly feeling a bit sorry for himself, Jamie laments that he now has neither Lucy or Phoebe.

"Well you do have her, she just has someone else as well." says Lucy. 

Welcome back LucyBot.
Now tell him his hair's a stupid colour.

Andy's gig comes to an end. He either played one really long song or lots of indistinguishable songs, it's hard to tell. Either way, it's finally over. 

Louise comes over to congratulate him and Andy says he would like to apologise for the whole camping thing. 

"I'm sorry I'm so camp."

Meanwhile Spencer, who has been angrily ruffling his quiff all night, finally tracks down Jamie to have a go at him about sleeping with Lucy.

Angry Spencer looks and sounds more like Gaston than ever before.

In fact, Spencer proceeds to use every Gaston face in the book to let Jamie know he is not happy. 

"You slept with my ex girlfriend!"

"You're supposed to be my best friend, I can't believe you've done this."


And that is exactly what he does. 

Wah, wah, waaaahhhh.

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- Phoebe has arguments with everyone. 

I'm assuming this is because her impressive collection of headbands restricts the flow of blood to her head.

- The future Tory party convene.

The meeting sounds like this: "Aheggh, harrumph hmm yeeess hugghh hmpph urrrg. Rather."

- And Spencer finally realises that everyone now knows how small his penis is. 

"Oh maan, I'm going to have to start paying for sex again."

See you next week!

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