Thursday, 12 September 2013

X Factor Weekend 2: The Arena Auditions -- Oh look, it's these people again. Wonderful.

Are you ready for a show that is pretty much the same as yesterday's show but this time with CHEERING?

Then you are in for a treat ladies and gents because it's that time of the week again, when we get to see whether our X Factor contestants can shine in front of a 4,000-strong audience.

Even though that audience consists of X Factor robots whose reaction depends entirely on what the producers have programmed it to be.




Since The X Factor has an active vendetta against 'normal jobs', we get to see how shit it is to have one. 

Fuck this, these people look miserable. I want to be FAMOUS.

First up is car parts delivery driver Shelley. She's the one who hired that kid to make herself even more likeable remember?

Cuddly toys are an optional extra. Shelley has spared no expense when it comes to forcing her way into bootcamp.

Shelley gets the show off to a raucous start with a great rendition of Feeling Good.

These guys are WELL impressed.

But then again, you know what those people who 'live for the summer' are like.

Shelley's performance is so raunchy it even gets the normally demure Nicole going.

Gary's face has 'I need my wife to think I'm not enjoying this but I really, really am' written all over it. 

The judges are all very impressed and decide to vote on three.

One, two, three...


Just kidding, Shelley goes through. That would have been much funnier though. 

Since, The X Factor loves a good theme, we're now treated to all the people from Saturday night's show who have come back to audition despite being rejected before. 

Even though we were introduced to each and every single one last night, we have to be introduced to them again because, you know, this show is for the British public. 

The British Public, according to The X Factor.

First up is Jade, who sings a good -- if a little SLOW AND MIND NUMBINGLY BORING -- version of Back To Black by Amy Winehouse.

Back To Sleep.

Gary and Sharon (Garon?) criticise her lack of fire and passion (fashion?). Jade cries so the judges feel bad and put her through anyway.

Next up are The Dolly Rockers, who begin with a really enthusiastic 'LET'S GO!' (that frightens the living daylights out of me, since I am wearing headphones). Sadly, they then dwindle into a not very good rendition of some song I've never heard of. 

Dolly Shocker.

The Dolly Rockers are the first of the 'try-agains' to get sent home.

Next up is Melanie, who is worried the judges will think "Oh God why does she keep coming back?"

You're just worried about the judges? So it's okay if I think that?

Melanie doesn't have an incurable disease, cute pet or shit job but her family are apparently losing their house -- so the judge's hands are pretty much tied. 

This also explains why Louis cried during her first audition, although I don't know how he knew about her family's troubles. Maybe Irish people can all speak to each other telepathically. 

Anyway, Melanie's audition is good so it's not too unbelievable when she gets four yeses.

Elsewhere, yodelling madman Barclay Beales is back, lurking around and yodelling backstage as you do when you're a yodelling madman. 

Nicole's ears prick up instantly. 

Yodelling is Nicole's version of a dog whistle. 

...if a dog whistle made a dog caress its own breasts on national TV.

Barclay explains that he taught himself to yodel just by watching videos and we're all supposed to be impressed. I think I would find it more surprising if there was an actual school you had to go to. 

Barclay says he is going to sing a 'yodelling version' of What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction. 

It turns out this just entails Barclay singing a bit of What Makes You Beautiful then doing some completely unconnected yodelling.

It's weird and vaguely disturbing so, naturally, Nicole loves it. 

"I love this guy! He makes me look normal!"

The judges say 'yes' because what we all need in our lives is more fucking yodelling. 

Filthy Luke is back!

He pretty much goes through instantly just because everyone wants to get rid of the terrible smell. 

Then there's this guy:

Whose voice is more annoying than when you go into a room then forget what it is you went in for.

He goes through as well because I don't even know anymore. 

Apparently this little line up means the boys' group is looking strong.

"I wouldn't mind getting the boys now." says Louis.

No comment.

To balance out all that 'testosterone' (lol), we need some GIRL POWER. 

Luckily (depending on your opinion) The Euphoria Girls are back! They've taken on the judge's comments and have tried to come back a little more 'edgy'.

It has not worked.

I've seen circles that are edgier than The Euphoria Girls.

After their performance, all Louis can say is "Well... The Spice Girls weren't the best singers in the world..."

"Thank you, Louis!" chorus the girls, like it's a compliment.


Thankfully, Nicole and Gary say 'No' and stamp this out before we have to put up with any more. 

"Don't give up!" yell Sharon and Louis as the girls mope off stage. 

Do. Do give up.

Next up is Relley who is a housekeeper from Birmingham. She tells us she's a housekeeper from Birmingham in case you don't remember, despite the fact that she told us she was a housekeeper from Birmingham yesterday and that they showed her housekeeping in Birmingham about 20 minutes ago. 

Relley begins her song but the audience don't look too impressed. 

"Oh my Gooood. You're a housekeeper from Birmingham, we knoow."

Despite a bad rendition of Blind Faith by Chase & Status, Relley goes through to bootcamp anyway, proving that there is absolutely no point in these double auditions.

Having said that, the judges didn't really leave themselves much choice. Since they made such a big deal of saying 'no more housekeeping' to Relley in her room audition, they couldn't exactly say no to her today. 

"Hey, you know how we said 'no more housekeeping'? Well, err... actually... more housekeeping."

Next up is Abi, who has come dressed as a woodland elf.

From the magical land of Specsavers!

She's singing her own song, which is about being heartbroken and how missing someone is like having a missing jigsaw piece.

This causes so many soft, smiling faces that I can't even handle it. 


Abi gets a standing ovation because -- as well as tea, toast and soldiers -- the public also apparently love jigsaw puzzles. 

"God DAMN it, I love jigsaw puzzles."

OBVIOUSLY Abi goes through. I guess I am a little bit glad because at least she can write her own songs and do an instrument and that. 

Here concludes your tour of Sunday night's X Factor! Join us next weekend when these people...

...need to sort their lives out. 

See you there!

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