Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Made In Chelsea, Episode 6: In which - LAMPS!

Previously on Made In Chelsea

Jamie felt the need to re-iterate the size of Spencer's penis to Andy...

You can't hear it but, at this point, he actually says 'little dick'. 
It's great.

...before demonstrating the correct way to take one's afternoon tea.

It's important for the heir to a biscuit fortune.

Francis misunderstood the function of hoody ties. 

They're for tightening your hood, not wearing it like a superhero cape Francis, COME ON.

And Jamie tried to put his sunglasses in his mouth without realising that he wasn't actually holding them.


This week's QOTD comes from diamond mining heir Francis Boulle, arguably the least offensive character in this whole charade. 

Not exactly a compliment.

Here's what Francis has to say on a mystery subject...

I don't know what he could possibly be talking about except obviously it's penes.

As usual the show begins by gleefully reminding us that we're in LONDON BABY!




London is SO COOL! What were we talking about? Oh yes, terrible rich people. Talking of which, in FraJaBob land, the trio are moving out of their apartment which I swear they threw a house warming party for just five episodes ago.

"There is simply not enough room in this 1,168 square-foot apartment for us both to stand with our hands on our hips at the same time.
We MUST move."

Still, I'm sure they'll stick together through this latest hardship, like the three worst ever graduates of Musketeer School. 

All for us and none for poor people!

In what is possibly an attempt to turn this episode into a gritty MiC reboot, we are treated to a rare glimpse of the seedy underbelly of Chelsea in this shot of a West London streetwalker. 

Prostitution isn't just for Soho.

Oopsie! My bad, it's just new girl Lucy.

Or should we call her Loose-y?

Next up, Cheska, Ollie, and Gabi are doing some exercise.

Or reenacting the porn version of Ghost.

Since she can't seem to hold down a love interest of her own, Cheska is still living vicariously through her friends. Currently, she is experiencing a deep sense of moral outrage at the fact that Jamie has moved on to another girl so soon after Binky.

"This whole Binky and Jamie situation is so hard for me."

Elsewhere: much like a Mafia Godfather, Millie demands to know the identity of everyone in her vicinity so, when new girls Carly and Loose-y sit down at a separate table in the same bar as her, she is much perplexed. 

"Who is that and why are they sitting down in the same public bar as me?"

Blissfully unaware of the ire of Don Millieone, Loose-y and Carly discuss Jamie.

Loose-y says that Jamie just isn't her type and that, while she is happy to flirt with him, she will not kiss him.

Now, where have I heard that rule before...?

:O She IS a prostitute after all!

Bank wankers Andy and Stevie meet for cocktails and more talk about 'birds' that aren't interested in them whatsoever. 

In colloquial English, the phrase 'bank wankers' is commonly shortened into the portmanteau: 'bankers'.

Andy thinks it's time Stevie sent Carly a text to ask her out. Stevie can't choose between text openers 'How's it going?' and 'How are you doing?'. Upon deciding that the latter is 'more his vibe', he finally gets around to sending the sodding text message. 

Every time Stevie says 'Carly,' I get the shivers.

Moving Day is TOO much fun for FraJaBob who have spent much of the day wrapping Francis up in plastic and putting a colander on his head, yeaaaaaaah!


Since all good times must eventually come to an end, Spencer arrives.


I know Francis, I hate him too. 

The boys discuss Spencer's argument with Andy. Francis dares to cross Spencer by suggesting that, actually, Andy has been quite upfront about the whole situation. Spencer wants to know whose side Francis is on.

Not yours. NEVER YOURS.

 Like a distressed child, Jamie makes funny noises in an attempt to ease the tension. 

"If I make train noises, daddy and daddy won't fight anymore!"

Bob joins in because, damn it, he doesn't know what's going on but if there's one thing he loves it's a good train noise. 

"I don't know why we're doing this but I'm really happy about it!"

Stevie and Andy head over to the bar to meet Rosie and Millie but incur Don Millieone's wrath by stopping to chat to Loose-y and Carly first.

"Seriously, WHO ARE THESE WOMEN? I've seen nothing of them in the script."

Trendy Chelsea restaurant menus are getting creative. 

In a gallery somewhere, Sophia and Francis have an excruciating conversation about art.

"I feel like this is quite an emotional piece because I am looking at it and feeling emotional."
Shush. Shut up.

Francis asks Sophia what she looks for in a suitor. She cruelly says she quite likes a man in glasses.

"Haha, he doesn't know it yet but I'm actually talking about Bob!"

This is a bridge.

Back at her apartment, Cheska starts a conversation by saying, "Talking of meeting people."

No one was talking Cheska...

Oh no, she's resorted to a 'flirting coach' to help her talk to men. Apparently the flirting coach has advised her that it is important to talk and to touch yourself.

What? Please don't... don't do that in public...

I bet Cheska buys self help books.

Anyway, look at these lamps turning on.

London is so good at lamps!

While waiting for Jamie on yet another ¡BOYSNIGHTOUT!, Francis and Bob are drinking shots. Francis says 'Nostrovia!' as they clink their shot glasses and Bob asks what it means. 

He said it while you were cheers-ing your drinks, what do you think it means!? 

We find out that Jamie's big holdup is that he's doing karaoke with Spencer. 

It is horrible.

I wish I could unwatch this.

In Jamie's absence, Bob thinks that they should invite someone else and suggests Sophia out of the blue. This leads Francis to utter the unforgivable sentence: "Why? Are you chirpsing Sophia?"

No Francis! You do not say that! BAD FRANCIS!

Lamp triple whammy!


Sophia eventually turns up and flirts outrageously with Bob, causing Francis to miss his mouth every time he tries to eat something.

Oh Francis. This is karma for saying 'chirpsing'.

Aaaand then everyone just spends the rest of the meal staring at each other. 

You thought I was joking?

Somehow, Andy and Stevie have managed to convince Loose-y and Carly to go on a double date with them. I imagine this has more to do with what the producers wanted than with Andy and Stevie's pulling power. 

You can tell Andy likes Loose-y because he does his 'I like you' eyes at her.

It's either his 'I like you' eyes or his 'I'm going to kill you' eyes. I haven't worked it out yet. 

Let's look at them up close to see if we can tell. 

Nope, still can't call it. She's either getting laid or dumped in the river. 

Then it's the morning after another pointless night before and Bob and Jamie have gone to your average greasy spoon caf for a hangover fry up. 

LOLjks they're actually eating in the 19th century.

They're discussing a dinner party Rosie is throwing. Jamie thinks he will take Loose-y as his date even though she hasn't responded to any of his advances. He says she must have lost her phone because 'you don't just not reply' despite this being exactly what you must do when Jamie Laing texts you. 

Francis turns up bearing a book he intends to give to Sophia complete with an inscription. 

"Dude you bought a present for a girl, that is so GAY. You should man up and do more karaoke with Spencer like I do."

HOLD UP! The more eagle-eyed of you will have already spotted what Francis has just picked up on...

Bob is wearing the same clothes that he was wearing the previous night...

That's only okay if you're this girl.

Bob reveals that he spent the night at Sophia's house. After some clumsy questioning by Detective Jamie, he also reveals that they slept together. 

"Bob, how could you!?"
Init, fence.

Francis looks two parts puzzled, one part like he's going to cry.

"But... why would she sleep with you? I have all the diamonds."

In fact, it's too much for poor Francis to handle and he slopes off mumbling about some things he has to do.

Presumably, one of them is not Sophia! Looooool.

He's actually gone to give her the book which is pretty lame as she just slept with his best mate.

What you want to give her, Francis, is a picture of you swimming in diamonds. 

Having just finished with a customer, high class escort* Loose-y lies seductively on her bed in order to best answer a phone call.

*citation needed. 

It's Jamie calling, he wants her to go to Rosie's dinner party with him. Quite rightly she tells him she's too busy to see him, laughs in his face and hangs up. 

Although she may have just lost a valuable customer. I'm assuming no one sleeps with him unless he pays them, right?

Sadly, those slutty hotpants just ain't gonna buy themselves so it's time to find another rich idiot ASAP!

"Oh, heeeey Andy!"

She agrees to go to the dinner party with Andy instead before telling him she's in her underwear. 

Rosie and I share much the same reaction to this news. 

It's time for Rosie's dinner party and it looks like it's going to be another staring-from-a-distance affair. 

Francis is staring at Bob and Sophia:

Jamie is staring at Loose-y and Andy:

And Millie is staring at everyone because no one has told her who any of these people are yet:


Spencer and Bob think Andy is 'rogue' for moving on from Spencer's bird and trying to get Jamie's bird. Naturally, Loose-y is 'Jamie's bird' despite the fact that she told him she's not interested in him, told him she didn't want to go on a date with him and turned down his invitation to the dinner.


There's just enough time to enjoy some yellow lamp action...


... before Rosie calls everyone up to dinner. 

Cheska wonders whether she should slip off her shrug and show a bit of skin.


In the most unromantic liaison yet, Andy tells Loose-y that he wants to kiss her and she says, "Go on then."

This doesn't look fun for anyone involved.

After draining what seems like his 20th glass of wine, Jamie makes the decision to go and confront Loose-y. 

Nobody should ever wear a bow-tie so big that you can see it from behind. 

They have a conversation that is too annoying to even process. Let's just assume that Jamie agreed to take off his ridiculous bow-tie and Loose-y agreed to stop letting the general public see her in her underwear. 

Oh God, look out Stevie, Cheska's letting the girls loose. 

No, Cheska, I thought we agreed on no more skin!

You can almost hear the music from Psycho playing as he turns around. 

Cheska opens with "Do you come here often?" demonstrating that her Flirting Coach is clearly messing with her. 

Meanwhile, it's time for Francis and Sophia's big confrontation but they are upstaged by just... lamps, fucking... everywhere. 

There are three too many lamps in this scene.

I finally tune back in to hear Francis saying he walked out because he needed some fresh air. 

He went for fresh air by some stairs. Inside. 

Francis admits that he knows about Sophia and Bob but reassures her that he's not angry. He says he understands that, where vodka is involved, mistakes can be made.

"How do you think Jamie was born!?"

Sophia tells him he'll always be her 'F' which probably stands for 'Fucking mug' and he tells her she'll always be his 'S' which probably stands for 'Strumpet' and everyone walks away happy.

Awwww, and a beautifully unhealthy friendship is restored.

Everyone congratulates Rosie on the amazing job she did with dinner. Well done Rosie!

If she did any of the cooking herself, I'll eat Cheska's inappropriate Black Swan costume.

Thankfully, there's always someone to ruin the party and that someone is always Spencer Matthews. 

"I ruin things just with my presence really, it's a genuine skill."

He starts to attack Andy again and all of a sudden everyone is arguing about a whole bunch of whatever. The tension only eases up when a panicked Loose-y shouts at everyone for 'getting up in her grill' and everyone has to take a moment to laugh in her face because... well, you would, wouldn't you?

"I'm nought but a humble prostitute, I don't know how to behave at dinner parties! Have none of you seen Pretty Woman??"

With a common idiot to laugh at, everyone can be friends again. And really, what else is friendship if not making fun of those we deem to be inferior to ourselves?

Thanks, Made In Chelsea, another important life lesson learned. 

Next week on Made In Chelsea

Jamie takes fashion tips from new style icon Kye Sones

Someone get this man up a chimney. And then maybe block it up just a little bit.

and Herbie can't believe he's been dressed in grey-on-grey.

"It's just so humiliating."

See you next week!

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